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Dear Future,

I am so nervous about you right now. I have butterflies in my stomach and I feel a little nauseous. It might be because I haven't eaten lunch yet and all I had earlier was some toast and coffee but regardless I feel nervous. *sigh* Part of me wants to be excited because I am moving back home and I have such a huge support system there and a ton of family and people who love me and Zoe and Ian. And so I feel excited that I get to be surrounding by this bubble of love again but then part of me is so nervous. When I lived there I was so young and dependent on my Mom and always fought with my Dad and I was always so involved in everyone else's lives and business and drama. I try not to be that person anymore. I try to just live my own life and wish everyone else well. I just don't want to get sucked back into being that person. I mean I know that now that I'm an adult there probably isn't as much gossip of who is dating who but still. There is always gossip on Desperate Housewives somehow (yes even though its a TV show). I don't know. I love my friends that live up there so I don't think they will be a problem at all. It will just be like YAY we finally live close to each other again! And I have 'met' a lot of people on Facebook that I maybe wouldn't have been friends with if I lived up there this whole time because of how I was back then. A bitch. A snob. A drama queen. Whatever. So I'm excited to finally hang out with them in person and get to know them better. I really love my MOPS group down here and I am excited that I have finally find a place where I can by myself around Christian Moms but not feel judged all the freakin time or have people tell me to be a different way so I don't 'offend' them. I love that I can be open and be myself and be a Mom and not have anyone judge me ever. It is so great! I felt like I was finally starting to grow with God and had all these good role model Moms and a group that lead me to charity and helping people. And I am just afraid that I won't find that up there. I hope that the Moms that I find up there are as open minded and nice. And I hope I find a Moms group that it is awesome as this group. I am surprised as to how much I am going to miss my MOPS group here. I guess I didn't realized how attached I had got to them. God I'm going to cry. Now I feel like an idiot. I'm just overly emotional today (TMI girl time of the month). And another thing that I am afraid of is just my relationships with my family. My family all lives in a really close area and I was close to a lot of them when I was younger like a kid but then the older I got the more I just kind of thought that hanging out with my extended family just wasn't a cool thing to do anymore I guess and I feel bad about that now. I feel like I lost a lot of time to get to know people. After I had Zoe, it really hit me how important having family around was. I mean ya I had Robyn and Chris nearby and I had friends down here that were like family but I felt bad that Zoe would never have that experience like family cookouts and playing with cousins and running around. Ugh going to tear up again. I just really really loved my childhood. I always had people around and I always had cousins to play with and I was just so sad down here that Zoe didn't really have that. We always had to drive for holidays and then there was family. She wasn't getting to know her grandparents and stay the night at her grandparents houses. I wish I could move Ian's parents there too just so I could have everyone nearby for her. I want her to experience family so bad. It's weird because now everyone I know has smaller families or start later so Zoe probably won't have like 20+ cousins like I did and I guess that's okay. I just want her to know her great aunts and great uncles and great grandparents like I had when I was kid. I mean you just never know what is going to happen and I don't want distance to be a reason for that. I want to take more trips to Illinois so she can see Ian's family. I don't know I'm probably completely rambling. I just want so many things for her. And I feel like moving up there, she will have a better place for all of that. I just hope she is okay with the move. I feel like I should be easing her into it more but I'm not sure how much she understands at this age. I'm afraid we are going to get into the house we are renting and she is going to be confused as to where she is and freak out or something. I'm nervous she isn't going to be able to handle the move or need us a lot because she feels out of place. Or won't be able to sleep in her new (temp) room because its unfamiliar. So in that aspect I feel bad that we are moving. I don't want her to feel like I am pulling her out of the only environment she's ever known but I guess it's better to do it now then when she is older and has a best friend that she has slumber parties with. I mean here she has Emma but I don't know if she's this little how that friendship is. So I hope she'll be okay. And I hope I grow from the experience and make new memories with the people I made old memories with. And I hope we all do okay as friends even though we are older now. And I hope our kids are friends that play together. And I hope that my Dad and I can live near each other again and learn how to communicate as adults without the past anger from my teen years creeping back in. And I hope we find a forever place to live that Zoe can run around and play in the backyard and we can get a swing set. I guess in the long run I look forward to doing things with Zoe that I did as a kid - trips to the Dunes, playing outside. And as an adult, I look forward to an adventure of learning how to live again in a town but coming back as a Mom and an adult. And later learning how to be a working Mom. And just keeping together my family unit of 3 in a new space without chaos. I'll be okay. I'll just need to find new places and learn how to see my hometown through the eyes of a Mom and an adult instead of the eyes of a teenager. I don't think Zoe would get any enjoyment if we cruised McKinley during the day. And there isn't a Northpointe Martins parking lot to hang out in anymore. And the awesome pool hall in Mishawaka closed. And you can't take a toddler into Truman's or Rum Runners (if they are even open anymore). But I can take a toddler to eat at Hacienda. :) And I can go to Hacienda with friends while my toddler is being babysat and have $5 liter twist margaritas... so it's not all bad :) *sigh* I really need to get off my couch and pack some boxes, do some laundry (the final loads of laundry of Anderson) while my little baby girl sleeps. She'll be 18 months tomorrow already ahhhhhh I can't believe its been that long. She's turning into a real little person. :) SO many things happen at once! I can do it, I can do it, I can do it. Maybe I'll post this to make my transition easier. Or maybe someone will have awesome advice that will make my life easier. I dunno. It will be an adventure that's for sure.