16 weeks, 4 days (Friday)

I have to just get this out before I go to bed. It's 2am.

There always comes a time in between appointments about this time actually where I start to lose it. Usually it happens about a week away or so from my next appointment. Where I just get super anxious and start to worry that at the appointment something is going to be wrong. I start to question my pregnancy symptoms or pregnancy body as something that is just a figment. Like oh my belly is just fat - it doesn't feel firm. Or my boobs aren't bigger, I just made myself think that. And I can tell as I do baby getting ready activities like looking for stuff online or just thinking about baby that I am starting to get pessimistic and detached. I think it's like after the appointment of hearing the baby, I am on such this baby high like the baby is fine and great and healthy and la la la happy babyland, everything is perfect that at some point it starts to dwindle and the novelty of the appointment wears off. And I turn back into myself without a baby high to fall back on. It upsets me a lot and I wish I could just remain optimistic about this whole pregnancy but I am so afraid to open myself up to it and let it in. I am so afraid to let myself fully love this baby every day just in case there is that one chance somewhere that something happens. And it really upsets me that I can't let this baby in everyday. I feel like a horrible mom. I just wish that for once I could just get over my anxiety and just be normal without meds. I just keep thinking about my friend who lost her twins after going in to see what sex they were and how excited she was and how incredibly sad it was when she found out instead she lost them. I don't think I am as strong as she is as a person and I don't know if I could handle that. So it's like part of me is excited about this ultrasound but part of me can't get rid of this feeling rooted in me. This feeling of don't get your hopes up. This feeling of doubt. And then I keep thinking so everything goes great and I have a healthy baby in September - will I still feel like this? Will I be losing sleep like I am now thinking that the baby is going to die of SIDS or something? Or do I just have to accept this 80/20 Mom thing. Like most of the time I'll be excited and fine but a part of me will always be anxious, pessimistic me. I thought about getting a Doppler but then honestly if I didn't hear the heartbeat because of some fluke or user error I'd have a panic attack every time. I'll just cry through this emotional explosion like I always do every 2-3 weeks or so and then I'll be fine and the cycle will start all over ago. It's kind of like my pregnancy PMS. *deep breath*