What people didn't tell me

Or that I didn't realize.

I am struggling a little post partum. Everyone so far has said its 'normal' but I don't feel normal I feel like I have taken the fast train to Crazytown. I have always had super issues with anxiety and depression and have been in a stress center (nice word for 'mental hospital') for a week. With any change, something in me just goes haywire. I have a psychatrist who's amazing and a team of therapists that I could call. I also have friends that have went through it and non-new Moms that have been here one way or another. But I never expected it would be this severe! At night I feel fine. She cries next to my head in the bassinet and I scoop her up and change her and coo at her and feed her and snuggle her and pump. But when day breaks, something in me snaps. I wake up around her 9ish feeding and I always have these awful nervous pit feelings where I want to jump out of bed and run to the bathroom to try to throw up anything I can. My skin feels hot and crawly. I'm super sweaty. I'm on the verge of hyperventilating or crying. My brain is on overload and will not slow down and stop thinking. I what if everything or just go into this awful like zombie brain. I can't get a grip on myself. I walk around the house feeling like I have energy but I'm super lightheaded. I see baby items around my house and I feel this feeling like I just saw someone with a weapon and an agenda at me. I feel completely insane. I can't describe it. I hate it. Eventually the feeling goes away and I'm myself again. Sometimes it takes 3 hours, sometimes 8. And by night I'm fine again. I don't know. I never thought after all this drama to get here and have Zoe that I could look at her and be so afraid of her that I wanted to leave. She barely cries. She cries when she's hungry and half cries when she's taking a dump in her diaper. She sleeps all day long. She's nocturnal. She sleeps about 2 hours before food at night. But during the day she sleeps 4-5 hours without getting hungry. I had that Mom feeling but when I got home I lost it somewhere. Ian still has it. It makes me sad. I haven't eaten hardly anything in 4 days. I upped my Lexapro from 20 to 30 (I was already on 20 and have been on 30 and figured when I called my psych on Monday thats what he would say) I also took an expired (as of 3/10) Ativan that helped get through my last panic attack. I also have fessed up to the crazy building up and called my Mom and my close friends that have went through something similar. So I guess if anything I'm a resourceful parent. :)